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In this case, signs point to yes.
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I don't understand why belief in reincarnation would automatically be predicated upon the remembrance of past lives.
ocelot: (Default)
I just did the big stupid computer user thing and didn't save the file I'd been working on all day. Why should I? My computer never crashes. This time it decided to go to sleep without warning when my power was low, and not wake back up again. Bah. Oh well, recreating shouldn't take nearly as much time as figuring out what I wanted to say originally.

I still feel like crying.
Weight discussion. Cut for those who are bothered by such things. )
Midnight. I should go to bed instead of trying to recreate all my lost work. I'm already up way past my bedtime.

It occasionally bugs me that I have to be more careful about sleep now than I did when I was working. Last year I just would have hyperfocused for a few hours, gotten it all done, and sleepwalked through the next day or called in sick.

Now I can't do either, but I'll probably lie awake for too long with the words I would like to be writing running through my head. Bah.
ocelot: (Default)
The boy and I aren't sleeping well tonight, hence the pre-6AM post. I'm not sure what it is. I had a bit of root beer sometime after 9:00, but I've had more caffeine than that on many occasions before without it effecting us.

I think perhaps he's slept too much over the past few days and has slept himself out, and since he insists on sleeping on my chest, he kept me awake as well.

This wouldn't usually be bad, as we generally do nothing all day and could sleep if we wanted to, but there's a parents club meeting at 10:30 which I'd really like to go to, since I don't know anyone around here.

So I'm kind of working on an essay for the short story class I took last year (I got an incomplete). I don't need to do it, since the professor already gave me an A, but I feel that I should get it done anyways. And I actually kind of want to. The topic is interesting to me - how Isabel Allende's short story "And Of Clay We Are Created" is a metaphor for watching her child die (which happened at around the time the story was written). I'm just not sure I can get enough out of it to make a full length essay.

The boy passed out. I should go shower so that I can go to sleep till the last minute, except I'm afraid he'll wake up.

I'm trying without success to figure out a bus route that runs where I need to go. Our DSL is out, so this is difficult, as our dialup is painfully slow. I'm sure there are busses that run that way, but I can't find a mention of any of them, at least at the time of day I need. Oh well, it's a mile and a half, so not an overly painful walk, as long as the boy is happy being carried that far. He's generally ok as long as I'm moving.

Looks like I found it. Yay. Now I will go shower and sleep. (Gee, I sure didn't get much of this essay done. Imagine that.)
ocelot: (Default)
I posted a whole bunch of pictures to Leif's website today. I discovered that photoshop has an option to automatically generate photo albums. Neat. So it's now an actual website, and not just a list of pictures.

I went to the doctor today. I'm all healthy. My blood pressure is way down (100/60), and I'm a bit below my pre-pregnancy weight. Yay.

Talk about weight loss and female body parts... )

I almost forgot to mention... [livejournal.com profile] koyote and I got married on Friday. Then we went and saw American Wedding. We thought it would be appropriate. It was Leif's first movie, too. He nursed pretty much the whole time, so he was quiet.

Friday morning, we went to the courthouse to get a marriage license. On our way out, a woman came up to us and said (pointing to Leif), "Is that Elijah?" We said no, of course. She said that he looked just like her son Elijah - he had the same outfit (I think every kid born this summer has this particular outfit), and the same stork bite on his eye.

This kind of freaked me out. [livejournal.com profile] koyote thinks that she was probably on drugs, and CPS took the baby away. I don't doubt that he's right. Poor kid.

So I've now eloped. This amuses me. My cousin, the only other married person on that side of the family, also eloped (and didn't tell anyone for six months). Perhaps we're starting a trend! There's also a child out of wedlock trend going. I find this interesting. It feels to me like our family has always pretended to be perfect (intentionally or not), while really being pretty dysfunctional. Tom, would you agree with this?

Or perhaps that's just normal.

I've been pondering what I'd do if I suddenly became rich. Not hugely "never have to worry about money again" rich, but considerably richer than I am now (which wouldn't really take much - we have no debt now, but we don't have much saved up beyond that, either. We're working on it).

I think that growing up not-rich in Coronado (one of the richest parts of San Diego (or anywhere, for that matter)) left me with a real distaste for richness. My friends and I generally had to work for things we wanted beyond the necessities - I started a pet sitting business in 5th grade in order to save money for the 8th grade class trip to the east coast, and had jobs pretty much continually from that point on.

Anyways, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, except that the idea of being rich bugs me. Or perhaps more to the point, the idea of giving Leif everything he wants bugs me. Not that I don't want him to be happy, but consumerism doesn't necessarily lead to happiness. Not that being rich means I have to give him everything he wants, but it takes away the convenient "We can't afford it" excuse.

(I'm being hypocritical here. The idea of being able to buy whatever I want doesn't bother me. I don't think I'm really all that much better at objectively assessing what is "worth it" just because I'm an adult, yet I want to make that decision for other people).

I should now do laundry and go to bed, as the boy will want me awake at some time in the morning before I really feel like being awake.

I have a hard time expressing myself. Most of what I've said in this entry isn't what I really meant to say. Oh well. I've always had this problem where my brain thinks faster than I can get the words out (verbal, typed, or written, it doesn't matter). I'll have all these wonderful thoughts in my head, and when I try to write them, it just doesn't work. I've sometimes thought that if I could have a thought recorder, I could very easily be a professional writer. Except that everyone else is probably the same way, so if thought recorders existed, the standards would go up.

Besides, the idea of thought recorders and the Bush administration is just frightening.

Ok, off to bed.
ocelot: (Default)
I just finished the take-home final for my English class. It mainly consisted of an essay. I have issues with essays. I think this one turned out pretty good, though.

Generally, once I've got a good start, it isn't that bad. Getting started is always difficult, though, as I've written on many previous occasions.

Now, hopefully she'll be nice enough to pass me despite the other essay I haven't written. I can't even remember what exactly it was supposed to be about.

I have another final tomorrow (actually, later today) in the online class. Need to finish two small assignments before then, but I'm not too concerned about that. I can probably do both within about half an hour. I'm actually more worried about how to get them printed, seeing as the computer I used to print from at work is now in use by someone. I got an extension on the big project, since this whole moving thing proved to be more overwhelming than I expected. I hate that. I had really hoped I could make it through this class without screwing up anything. I've had very few classes where I haven't had to beg for an extension on something or other, and it really kills any feeling of accomplishment that I get out of the class, even if my end grade is good.

I think it was necessary, though. Having the pressure of the big project due today, as well as the two finals and the other small projects, probably would have kept me from napping this afternoon (which I desperately needed) and overwhelmed me to the point of not being able to get any of it done. At least, with the extension, I can focus on the smaller hurdles first and finish something, even if the project itself never gets done (not that there's any reason I shouldn't be able to finish it, once everything else is done and I have a few minutes to myself).

I just realized I forgot to finish my participation in the discussion boards for this week. Oh well, it is only five points, and I'm five points away from the maximum as it is. I find it hard to care about my grade at this point. As long as I pass, it doesn't matter. And I should. With no further work at all, I have a 61%. If I get a 50 on the final (which is at least 15 points lower than I've gotten on the other two tests) and finish the two small assignments, I'll have a 78% even without the final project. So there's no reason I can't get an A or B with minimal further effort.

As for moving, everything except what I need/want for the next month or so is packed up and on its way to VA. The apartment looks empty. And dirty. The thought of cleaning it terrifies me, given how I felt after sorting stuff on Monday (basically, like I'd been run over by a truck). I think I will have to hire a friend of mine who does housecleaning. Except her vacuum is broken, and mine is rapidly heading eastward. Oh well, we'll work it out.

It's all so strange. One week from now, I'll have technically graduated (still need to send in the paperwork), I'll no longer have a job, and I'll be living in a different state. Two more months, and I'll have a baby. Too much change, in too short a time.

And Buffy is over. As silly and inconsequential as it seems, it ties in with this feeling of incomprehensible change.

I'm curious as to how long it will take before it all starts feeling real. At the moment I'm rather dissociated from it - it's all just an academic exercise in major life change, not something I'm actually experiencing.

And now I must sleep so I can at least pretend to function at work/class tomorrow.
ocelot: (bunny)
Bah. Some people are dumb. A person in my online class just claimed that since the people we were studying weren't citizens, it was sad that they could not get proper medical care, but that we can't provide medical care for everyone. The people in question were a second generation immigrant and her daughter.

Yes, because they're migrant workers and live in deplorable conditions, they can't be citizens, can they?

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. I've been exhausted the past few days, falling asleep by 9:30 or so, with no energy after work. The apartment needs to be in some state of higher cleanliness by Friday. Not perfect, but some parts are pretty awful right now. I have a midterm tomorrow, and a website review due at the beginning of the class (which should be pretty simple - no more than a half hour or so, but it still has to be done). I just finished my discussion board participation for the week by replying to Ms. Children Of Immigrants Aren't Citizens.

I took a nap after work, which I needed in order to function. This means that I won't be able to sleep for at least another two hours or so, which means that I'll be non-functional if I have to get to work tomorrow. So I'm not going to. There's not a whole heck of a lot of point in going anyways, since I'll only be there for about 3 hours total. I'm still debating whether or not to go to my first class, which would require leaving the house at about 10. There's no real reason not to go, assuming I get the website review done tonight, except that it takes a big chunk out of my day. I guess I'll see how I feel in the morning.

When I get paid, I want to get boxes to put baby stuff in. Currently, it's all in a suitcase on the bedroom floor, which is not really the most efficient storage place, as there is not nearly enough stuff to fill the whole suitcase, and the floor does not really have enough room for it.

I'm glad Buffy is ending this season. This is purely selfish, and doesn't have anything to do with declining quality or anything like that. I simply want to stop watching TV (and may actually not have access to a TV with decent reception on any sort of regular basis after we move), but I don't want to miss any Buffy.

Update: Website review is done. I may do another tomorrow if I feel like it. Looks like I'll go to my first class unless I actually do get sick. I printed out all the stuff I need to study, but I think I forgot it at work. Erk. Broken brain.
ocelot: (grump)
I'm listening to Christmas music. It's October. I'm pathetic.

Yes, I realize I was listening to this same CD all last August or so, so I'm improving. It's still messed up.

Olivia, have you heard anything by Trans-Siberian Orchestra? For some reason I think you might like it.

I'm writing an essay. I have about 500 words left. This shouldn't be all that hard, except that I've just about run out of things to say. The first 800 words went very fast - I just brain dumped and got it all written within half an hour or so (though it still needs serious editing). The next 200 took a lot longer. This essay was actually due last Saturday, but I was terribly sick all that week and wasn't able to work on it. Then it was due Thursday, but I was a lazy ass and didn't get it done. So I just hope she accepts it tomorrow.

During high school, essays were no problem for me. I prefered them to everyday assignments. In college, it flip-flopped. I had no problem doing the silly everyday busywork, but every essay turns into a long, drawn out exercise in drama and angst. I don't remember how I wrote essays in high school. I just did. An 8 page essay would just pop out of my pen in a few hours. Now I can either brain dump, in which case everything comes out sounding horrible and wrong and in need of severe editing, or I can write something that sounds halfway decent, but it's like pulling teeth to get a sentence out of my brain.

I think I'm suffering from some genetic disease that causes me to gradually losing IQ points. By the time I reach 30 I'll be a complete imbecile in need of institutional care.

It disturbs me that I'll need to take a classload at least as bad as this semester in the spring if I want to graduate. I'll need to take three classes that require actual work. Perhaps I'll get lucky and either [livejournal.com profile] koyote will get a good job so I won't have to worry about working, or we'll decide not to move yet so I won't have to worry about getting everything done in one semester.

I'm sick of school. I'm sick of work. I want some time to sleep as much as I want and to do what I want. Preferably time when I'm not puking my guts out and suffering from random attacks of severe abdominal pain, as that doesn't really count as restful, and makes it rather hard to actually do anything except stare up at the ceiling and try to see shapes in the asbestos.

I feel hesitant to whine here, as I'm afraid of driving people away. But it's my journal, so I can write what I want. So there.

(The really depressing part is that this entry, including the mood and music, is exactly 500 words. Go figure)
ocelot: (Default)
Things I need to remember about essays:


    Getting something done is better than getting nothing done.
    Getting it done is more important than worrying about whether or not I get the references right.
    Getting it done is more important than whether my thesis is the stupidest thing anyone has ever heard.


I don't need to stress about these things. I just need to write the damn paper and get it over with. I'll get a better grade if I turn in a piece of utter crap than if I don't turn it in at all.

Whine

Jul. 3rd, 2002 02:49 pm
ocelot: (bunny)
I have a spider bite. My leg itches and hurts.

I'm seriously considering going to the bookstore and buying a pair of shorts, despite the fact everything at the bookstore is overpriced and I have to be seen in public and haven't shaved in ages.

grr.

I also have an essay that I need to rewrite within the next 3 hours. Not a huge deal - the original essay was written within about the same amount of time, and I just need to add sources and a little bit more information.

And I don't get to go on vacation this weekend like I'd planned for various reasons. *grump*

Ok. Enough pity party. Essay time.

Oh, [livejournal.com profile] theducks, here's another for your collection, if you haven't seen it yet ;)
ocelot: (Default)
I hate required writing. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

I try to write something, and it all freezes in my head and refuses to come out.

I'm trying to write a Statement of Accomplishments for work. It was due like a month ago. My boss keeps saying "It's easy, especially since you're so new. Just follow what it said in your probationary report".

It ain't easy. If it was easy, I'd have done it a month ago. I can't see how the probationary report relates to the questions being asked.

Oh well. I brainstormed some things a few days ago. I think I'll copy and paste those and try to fill in around them.

Those of you who know me are familiar with this rant. It comes up every time I have to write something (though it's usually for class, not for work).

I just hope that one of these days I'll remember how to write. At least next semester I shouldn't be taking any classes that require long written assignments. I was lucky last semester - I did well enough in both classes that I didn't have to write the research paper in one, and it didn't matter that I did awfully on the second and turned it in three weeks late. But I can't keep doing that. One of these days, either at work or in class, I'm going to have to write something.

You wouldn't imagine from the volumes I write on here that I have a problem with writing. Kind of ironic, really, that I'm sitting here writing about not being able to write.

Bubba

Aug. 9th, 2001 12:31 am
ocelot: (k5)
Original: http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2001/8/9/23116/15063

My god, bubba.kuro5hin.org is bringing out the lamest in me. Or perhaps it's the combination of bubba and extreme boredom. In any case, I really need to find a better place to focus my energies than that.
Read more... )

bleh

Aug. 6th, 2001 08:52 pm
ocelot: (Default)
I have an entry to write.

It won't come out of my brain.

So I'll continue trolling k5 and being a general PITA to everyone who comes in contact with me until I get over the urge to write it.

BTW: Attack of the Clones is the fucking stupidest name they could have come up with.

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