(no subject)

[ocelot]

I've been debating all day whether to post something related to 9/11. I feel that anything I write would be basically emotionally or politically capitalizing on someone else's tragedy. Not that it hasn't effected everyone in some form or another, but I can't begin to compare my experience to that of someone who has had a more direct personal experience.


Light one candle for the strength that we need
To never become our own foe
And light one candle for those who are suffering
Pain we* learned so long ago
Light one candle for all we believe in
That anger not tear us apart
And light one candle to find us together
With peace as the song in our hearts

Light One Candle, by Peter, Paul and Mary

(* we, in this context, being the Jewish people, as this was originally a Hannukah-related song.)

This song was stuck in my head in the time immediately following 9/11, and I was surprised (it being a relatively obscure song related to a winter holiday and all) when it was played at the interfaith memorial service on campus a few days later.

I expect it was because of this verse. Because this anger was so immediately clear.

I can't think too much about it. Every so often something comes up that reminds me of all the lives that have been damaged or destroyed, whether by terrorism or by our countries continued lashing-out in anger. Certain songs. koyote's occasional talk about his time in the gulf. Someone mentioning their spouse being deployed. Someone mentioning their spouse returning from Iraq, and being unable to sleep with their baby in bed because he now lashes out in his sleep and it wouldn't be safe. The children's picture books I've seen popping up involving parents going off to war. The Iraqi death toll. The fact that the war with Iraq started when I was pregnant with Leif, and now I have two kids, and isn't it supposed to be over by now?

If I think about it, I'll cry, and then I'll have to explain to Leif why I'm crying. And I'll have to feel guilty for not doing more to stop it, for just living my life and letting it all happen and not being an active and outspoken peace activist.

I don't think Leif has the first clue about any of it yet. We don't have a TV, so he isn't exposed to media. My parents limited my exposure to the news when I was a kid, and it drove me crazy at the time being sheltered, but I lay awake at night worrying about being nuked as soon as I learned about nuclear bombs, so I'm sure it was just as well that I, as a child growing up in the 80's, was blissfully ignorant of most of the cold war.

Today at the playground the parent-talk subject somehow got around to New York City, but without a single mention of the events six years ago. I wondered if I was just being oversensitive to the big old elephant that had come to join us in the sandbox, or if this was a tacit agreement to talk about the subject on our minds without actually mentioning it in front of the kids.

Those of you who were closer to it than me (physically or emotionally) - I've been thinking of you today.

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[jtersesk.livejournal.com]

You know what's odd? In the weeks following, I couldn't imagine ever feeling "normal" again. I couldn't quite shake the shock, the enormity. I thought every September 11th would be as emotional as the original. And the first couple were.

But this morning I came downstairs and the TV was tuned to the Today show, and the president and vice president were listening to some people sing "God Bless America" and looking very somber, and I couldn't figure out why! And then it occurred to me what the date is today. I don't really know what that says about me. But I do wonder what I'll tell Niv when he's learning about it in school. After all, we were there. It's not "history" to us, right?