Something might be happening. Or it might not. Who knows.
( TMI below )

I found one of those "Rub my belly for good luck" Buddha shirts at the thrift store this afternoon.

Unfortuntaly, there are too few people in this world that I actually want rubbing my belly.

The other day, I received an anonymous comment very eloquently stating:

no one wants to see your tit, period.
even if you are feeding your child with it.

Now, experience leads me to believe that such a broad statement may not be entirely accurate. So, in interest of scientific inquiry, I have created a poll.

[Poll #735958]

Notes
* Creating this poll in no way implies that I will show you my tit(s), either online or in person. However, if you are around me and a small child who I am breastfeeding, it's likely to happen. Consider yourself warned.
* If you don't want to see my tit(s), don't respond. I won't be offended. I probably don't have a particular interest in seeing your tit(s) either, though I wouldn't be the least bit offended if I did see it/them because you were breastfeeding.

To update on the controversy - LJ/SixApart ruled that breastfeeding default icons are ok, as long as they do not show any nipple or areola. The cynical part of me sees this as a CYA move to avoid having to deal with all the non-breastfeeding icons out there that show the slightest hint of boob.

As of this morning, they are actively seeking out and warning/suspending users with default icons that show the slightest bit of areola, including paid users who have done nothing but contribute positively to the community (I don't know whether "they" is LJ Abuse, or independent users who are reporting the icons).

Frankly, in the beginning I was a little amused by the drama. As things continue, I'm getting more and more disgusted with LJ/SixApart's handling of the situation.

ETA: If LJ/SixApart's policy and/or actions bother you, please write to them and let them know! It would be great to get more complaints from people who can't just be blown off as Crazy Hormonal Militant Breastfeeding Wackos.

ETA2: I'm not in the least bit offended by the anonymous commenter or looking for validation or anything like that. I'm just amused. As far as I know, I know 2 people who live in FL (where the comment originated). One would presumably have stated their opinion much more eloquently (and I can't imagine it would match the opinion of the commenter), the other has every right to be a jerk to me, as I spent a lot of time being a jerk to him out of my own insecurities. But I seriously doubt it's anyone I actually know, and therefore their opinion is simply amusing.

Today I tried doing aikido without glasses. Occasionally I've removed them when doing certain movements that have the tendency to throw them off my head, but today I tried the whole class. I realized that they're a psychological crutch at best, and a hinderance at worst, since I tend to be more hesitant during rolls and so forth when wearing them. I can see just well enough to be able to see what the sensei is doing, and I don't generally pick much up from watching anyways, so there isn't really any benefit to wearing them. I think it also helps me focus a little better, since I'm not getting distracted by other people as much. And I'm not running the risk of breaking them.

It worked out ok. I still want contacts again, though.

My shoulder is feeling odd from where I mildly dislocated it a week ago. Not painful, just looser. koyote could even feel it when he was rubbing my shoulders. I'm not sure if this is good or bad.

I finally got called in to be a doula again on Thursday, which was a relief. After being called three times in three weeks, I hadn't been called at all for several weeks, and I was beginning to wonder if I'd screwed up. Looking at the logbook, there were only about 5 people called in during that time, so I expect it was nothing personal.

Leif has not had a nap today, so I'll be shocked if he isn't asleep by 9. Yay, non-kids movie time! Maybe more Firefly.

The weather has suddenly turned warm here (we had one day of pleasant weather - it basically went from too cold to too hot immediately), meaning I'm wearing short sleeves full time again.

This leaves me wondering... what the heck was I thinking in high school (and middle school and college, for that matter)?

The majority of my shirts are size XL. They're tents on me. I'm currently wearing a medium, and it fits decently. At my lowest point in high school, I weighed 30 lbs less than I do now; at my highest I may have weighed as much as I weighed now, but probably 10 lbs less (with more muscle weight). Yet I still wore XL.

The oldest shirt in my closet is from 7th grade, so this went back at least that far.

Someone should have smacked me with a clue.

I know part of the problem was tactile issues. Loose stuff just felt more comfortable. I remember having one shirt that was a medium or large, and liking how it looked, but feeling strangled by the neckline. I don't suppose it was really any tighter at the neck than the shirt I'm currently wearing. I just had issues.

Most of it was body image, though.

Dear Middle/High School Self,

You may wear jeans and a t-shirt every day if you so desire. However, you are not allowed to wear shirts larger than size medium, or jeans larger than size 10. Really, you're not fat. Especially not in 10th/11th grade.

Having boobs is not a bad thing.

And if it feels uncomfortable, you'll get over it if you just give it a shot. Really. Or try a shirt with a lower neckline.

However, given the lack of attention you've paid to my notes on other subjects, I can only assume that this one will be ignored, too.

Love,
Your Future Self

I want some new shirts.

I just did the big stupid computer user thing and didn't save the file I'd been working on all day. Why should I? My computer never crashes. This time it decided to go to sleep without warning when my power was low, and not wake back up again. Bah. Oh well, recreating shouldn't take nearly as much time as figuring out what I wanted to say originally.

I still feel like crying.
( Weight discussion. Cut for those who are bothered by such things. )
Midnight. I should go to bed instead of trying to recreate all my lost work. I'm already up way past my bedtime.

It occasionally bugs me that I have to be more careful about sleep now than I did when I was working. Last year I just would have hyperfocused for a few hours, gotten it all done, and sleepwalked through the next day or called in sick.

Now I can't do either, but I'll probably lie awake for too long with the words I would like to be writing running through my head. Bah.

During early pregnancy, I was a bit sad because I couldn't go on rollercoasters (not that I ever got the opportunity).

During late pregnancy, koyote took a corner too fast in the far, and I realized that there's no way anyone could get me on a rollercoaster, even if I was allowed.

We went to Six Flags today. It was an AOL sponsored trip, which was neat. If we hadn't bought all sorts of Marvin the Martian junk, it would have been an entirely free trip. We'd planned to take turns going on rides, but koyote's nose was acting up, and he didn't want to, so I ended up going on them all by myself.

I like the thrill rides well enough, but my favorite ride is the flying swings, which is really quite tame. Just chairs on chains, swinging around. I could ride it for hours (except that the chairs aren't terribly comfortable). Seriously, I love it. It's one of the few things that really encourages me to live in the moment and just experience.

Actually, the scarier coasters do that even better, since they don't leave any room for thinking about the experience. They tend to not be terribly relaxing, though.

We got a caricature done of the three of us, which we now need to get framed. The baby doesn't really look a thing like Leif, but oh well. Babies don't exactly have a lot of distinguishing features.

Leif is now officially huge. We were talking to a mother with a small baby, who she said was 3 months old. She was tiny. Leif looked like a giant beside her. It was a bit startling, since he doesn't look particularly big on his own.

Leif was an angel most of the time. He had fun just watching everything and occasionally sleeping. He cried for maybe five minutes out of the four hours or so that we were there. I was amazed.

Before Six Flags, we went to Burlington Coat Factory and did most of our cooler weather shopping. I got a wool jacket. It's big enough to zip over both me and Leif when he's in his sling, though it looks a bit silly that way, and somewhat too big if I'm not wearing him.

They apparently have a different definition of large than I do. I'm currently wearing a large shirt. It fits fine. Their large stuff is way tight, and the button-down shirts won't button across my New Improved Breastfeeding boobs. Unfortunately, I didn't bother trying things on in the store, so we now need to make a trip back.

Leif has new clothing, too. Now people will not give me nasty looks for taking him out without long pants. Baby khaki cargo pants for $5.00! Yay!

We have a hurricane heading this way. It should hit on Thursday. Weather.com calls it a "supercane". I have no idea what to expect from a "supercane" in this area, so we're making preparations.

We are trying cloth diapers for nighttime tonight. This is a new experiment. We now use cloth almost exclusively while at home during the day, and disposables at night and while out. Hopefully I can cut out the night disposables.

I posted a whole bunch of pictures to Leif's website today. I discovered that photoshop has an option to automatically generate photo albums. Neat. So it's now an actual website, and not just a list of pictures.

I went to the doctor today. I'm all healthy. My blood pressure is way down (100/60), and I'm a bit below my pre-pregnancy weight. Yay.

( Talk about weight loss and female body parts... )

I almost forgot to mention... koyote and I got married on Friday. Then we went and saw American Wedding. We thought it would be appropriate. It was Leif's first movie, too. He nursed pretty much the whole time, so he was quiet.

Friday morning, we went to the courthouse to get a marriage license. On our way out, a woman came up to us and said (pointing to Leif), "Is that Elijah?" We said no, of course. She said that he looked just like her son Elijah - he had the same outfit (I think every kid born this summer has this particular outfit), and the same stork bite on his eye.

This kind of freaked me out. koyote thinks that she was probably on drugs, and CPS took the baby away. I don't doubt that he's right. Poor kid.

So I've now eloped. This amuses me. My cousin, the only other married person on that side of the family, also eloped (and didn't tell anyone for six months). Perhaps we're starting a trend! There's also a child out of wedlock trend going. I find this interesting. It feels to me like our family has always pretended to be perfect (intentionally or not), while really being pretty dysfunctional. Tom, would you agree with this?

Or perhaps that's just normal.

I've been pondering what I'd do if I suddenly became rich. Not hugely "never have to worry about money again" rich, but considerably richer than I am now (which wouldn't really take much - we have no debt now, but we don't have much saved up beyond that, either. We're working on it).

I think that growing up not-rich in Coronado (one of the richest parts of San Diego (or anywhere, for that matter)) left me with a real distaste for richness. My friends and I generally had to work for things we wanted beyond the necessities - I started a pet sitting business in 5th grade in order to save money for the 8th grade class trip to the east coast, and had jobs pretty much continually from that point on.

Anyways, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, except that the idea of being rich bugs me. Or perhaps more to the point, the idea of giving Leif everything he wants bugs me. Not that I don't want him to be happy, but consumerism doesn't necessarily lead to happiness. Not that being rich means I have to give him everything he wants, but it takes away the convenient "We can't afford it" excuse.

(I'm being hypocritical here. The idea of being able to buy whatever I want doesn't bother me. I don't think I'm really all that much better at objectively assessing what is "worth it" just because I'm an adult, yet I want to make that decision for other people).

I should now do laundry and go to bed, as the boy will want me awake at some time in the morning before I really feel like being awake.

I have a hard time expressing myself. Most of what I've said in this entry isn't what I really meant to say. Oh well. I've always had this problem where my brain thinks faster than I can get the words out (verbal, typed, or written, it doesn't matter). I'll have all these wonderful thoughts in my head, and when I try to write them, it just doesn't work. I've sometimes thought that if I could have a thought recorder, I could very easily be a professional writer. Except that everyone else is probably the same way, so if thought recorders existed, the standards would go up.

Besides, the idea of thought recorders and the Bush administration is just frightening.

Ok, off to bed.