(no subject)

I haven't been updating as often as I should. I also haven't been responding much to comments and emails. I apologize for this. I just don't feel like it, for some reason :)

For those who don't read lemurbaby, we found an apartment, and are in the process of moving into it. It's pretty great, considering that we had to find something on very short notice. Very good location. Now we're in the process of getting new stuff (king sized bed, whoo!) and figuring out what of our old stuff to keep and what to get rid of.

We've developed a slow field. Anything we have to order will take longer than expected. This started with my order from gap.com. I placed an order on May 22. It hasn't shipped yet. I want to cancel it, since it barely seems worth it to spend that much on clothing for the time remaining, but I want the clothes, especially the bathing suit, and it's entirely possible I'll end up not having the baby till sometime in August.

Besides, every time I call to check on the status, they give me some additional discount or something.

Every order we've placed since has gone similarly, and it extends to real life too, to some extent. Or perhaps that's just the awful VA drivers :)

I found a doctor. I have an appointment tomorrow.

I had a funny dream last night, about people from Davis finding my journal, and me trying to explain to my boss's boss why I didn't want him reading it. Not because of anything against him personally (we were friends before I got the job, so we have a personal relationship and not just a work relationship), but because I'd written stuff about work in a more candid way than I would if I were talking to him.

I also dreamed that I was graduating from high school again for some reason, and I didn't want to go through the graduation ceremony because I was pregnant, and it would look bad for a high school kid to be pregnant, even if I was 23, halfway through college, etc.

The idea of graduating from high school at 23 didn't seem to bother me at all.

I think I have issues.

Now I must get dressed so we can go find something to eat.

That interview thing

From livyanne:

(Note: I said I was bad at picking favorites... don't ask me about favorites (or otherwise require me to make a binary choice) unless you're willing to settle for a list and/or excessively long explanations :)

1. If you could change one moment in your life, which would it be and how would you change it?
I can think of several moments that I'd equally like to change (stopping at the red light or otherwise avoiding the car accident being probably the biggest, and the one I feel most comfortable sharing in a public forum). But those big, life changing things have led me to where I am today - had I avoided the car accident, it's entirely possible that koyote and I wouldn't have met, or at least that our relationship wouldn't have developed as it did. Or I could have ended up in a worse, more life-destroying accident. So I'm inclined to not second-guess fate.

If I had to choose one thing - I'd respond to my mom when she looked in on me to see if I was awake one night in fifth grade. Our cat had been hit by a car. I pretended to be asleep, and she decided just to let me sleep, and told my brother and I the next day after school. I had problems with lack of closure for a while, since I never got a chance to see her again, and, well, I would have liked the chance. However, it's small enough that it probably wouldn't change the entire course of my life, though you never know for sure.

But even then, perhaps going through will end up determining how I respond to a similar situation as a parent.

Interestingly, this is different from my usual answer in the "What would I do if I could go back in time and change on thing" game (which I used to play a lot), which is to take better control of my education in high school. Go into Oxford earlier (I really regret not getting into it in 9th grade, for reasons both social and academic), take community college classes, find some form of alternative schooling, whatever. I just wish I'd figured out before my Junior year that what I wanted to do was my choice, not the guidance counselor's.

I don't know why this isn't still my answer. I guess because, as much as there are parts of my life I'm not happy with, I wouldn't want to give up the good parts for an unknown, different life, and any change worth making would most likely change where I currently am so dramatically that my life would be completely different. Better to work on changing the things I'm unhappy with in the present (which I do need to work harder on).

2. What is your biggest fear about the arrival of lemurbaby?
One biggest fear? :)

That I won't develop the mommy-feeling that I'm supposed to get, or otherwise have some sort of serious personal failing as a parent, and that we'll consequently all end up miserable for the rest of our lives.

The other big things I fear seem to be divided into two categories - acts of God (like baby dying) which, while terrible, aren't really a personal failing on my part, and things like having a really disappointing birth, which just aren't all that important in the long run when I think about them more.

This leads to the question of why I consider personal failing to be the worst thing in the world, above dead babies by Act of God. I don't know. I'll have to think about that.

3. Have you guys picked a name yet?
Not really. We have some ideas about girls names that we agree on, and can't really agree on a boy's name. We're planning to wait until after s/he is born and see if that helps at all, unless we come up with something perfect before then.

Do not fear, the baby will have a name some reasonable length of time after birth. If s/he ends up being a boy, and I can't come up with anything I like better, I'll go with what koyote decides.

4. If you could wish one quality for lemurbaby what would it be?

That's a hard one. Any quality I can think of seems like a two-edged sword when not combined with other qualities. So I'll say satisfaction with his/her life/self, as long as s/he has a reasonable conscience.

5. If you had to give up one sense for the rest of your life, which would it be, and why?
Sight. It is, to a large extent, the most useful sense, and therefore the hardest to adjust to if it went away. But I get much more pleasure out of my other senses. There are alternatives for reading, computer usage, etc. which provide the same (or similar) mental experience. There aren't other ways to taste yummy things, be touched, or hear good music. I would miss seeing neat things, but I don't think I'm generally very visually oriented, so it would be the lesser loss.

I'd choose smell, if losing it didn't diminish my sense of taste. Good smells are generally the least intense pleasant sensation for me, while bad smells can be one of the most unbearable.

Anyone else? I don't promise to respond in any sort of timely manner, but I will respond in one way or another eventually.